Existence today

“There is a point where in the mystery of existence contradictions meet; where movement is not all movement and stillness is not all stillness; where the idea and the form, the within and the without, are united; where infinite becomes finite, yet not” -- Rabindranath Tagore

Day 132 AS

I suppose the fact of my not posting for 37 days is the best indicator of all that this journey is no longer the center of my existence. That being said, it's still a very important part, and in response to queries from several of my wonderful friends I am posting an update.

Overall, I'm doing great! As of last week I've lost 146 pounds from my high weight last April, 60 pre-op and 86 post op. There are lots and lots of perks and a few problematic areas, but all in all no regrets for having chosen this path.

Categories of change and current state:

1. Health -- saw my endocrinologist last Friday and he's thrilled with my blood sugar numbers -- both fasting and late in the day. I'm still on one oral med for this which is so much better than two and max twice daily insulin doses. This is probably my biggest personal win. My blood pressure's great and my last blood tests continued to have normal kidney and liver functions -- yay. The awful gout problems I was having both pre- and post- op have finally subsided -- I appreciate being pain free. We'll test cholesterol and thyroid again in March -- the former will likely still be high and hopefully the latter will be a little high which would result in reducing the dosage of thyroid med that I'm still on. We'll see!

2. Mobility -- I can move with so much less pain it's hard to compare to this time last year. I love the human mind and our ability to block out bad memories!! Stairs are still really a challenge -- my knees aren't happy with them at all -- but at least they're possible now. I can walk without gasping for air and I can stand for much longer periods of time. I can get out of my chair without wishing for a crane -- it's all good.

3. Food -- I can eat a little more now, as long as it's the "right" food and I don't eat too much or too quickly. Anything with more than a wee bit of fat either comes back up or spends an hour or more of painful time passing through my digestive system. On average I'm eating 4-5 ounces of food unless it's a really liquidy soup and that might be closer to 8. My favorite lunches and dinners are dense soups -- I'm loving split pea, bean with bacon, hearty vegie soups and as strange as it may sound hot and sour soup made with tofu instead of pork. I generally don't enjoy meats much unless extremely tender and in a non-fatty sauce (I hate dry meat now -- too hard to chew when dry). John made a wonderful red bean and barley soup last week that we both enjoyed.

On the issue of too much -- this is going to be a hard habit to break! I am rarely hungry so eat when and what I'm supposed to most of the time, but if something actually tastes good, it's hard to listen to those signals telling me that it's time to stop -- particularly after eating what still seems like a small quantity compared to the old days.

On the issue of too fast -- this too is going to be a hard habit to break, particularly in a restaurant setting. I went to lunch with a great colleague last week and had some delicious, reasonably healthy pho soup. Although I ordered the smaller portion, there was still enough for four meals there for me. I knew that, so planned an appropriate amount for consumption, but the rice noodles were impossible to separate so my bites were too big, and although well chewed, too close together in timing and I had to excuse myself from the table to go lie in the car until he finished his meal. Hopefully lesson learned, but it's going to be a hard one to remember.

4. Appearance -- I look in the mirror and don't recognize me anymore. It's quite odd. I've gotten over the dark sunken eye phase thankfully -- God bless "Eye Hope" by Philosophy. I do miss some of the facial fat -- I'm seeing wrinkles I never saw before, especially in my neck. Ugh. Now I understand why old ladies where turtle necks and scarves -- camouflage! I suspect I'll end up there too before too long! My fear of hair loss, as happens at this stage with the majority of post-ops, has been realized. It started a few weeks ago and hasn't stopped yet. I hate it, but it's not as bad (yet) as it was with my ovarian tumor 12 years ago, and I do realize it's temporary, so I'm coping reasonably well. Thank God for a great hair-dresser! She simply cut in some more layers and told me to wear it more messy and no one will ever notice. :) Clothes are a joke -- even my skinny clothes have started literally falling off. I'm out of super plus and into regular plus sizes now for the first time in more years than I can remember. The good news is they're a little cheaper, so I'm searching sales for a few pieces to tide me over to wherever the end of this journey may take me. And I'm seeing bones and veins and other weirdness I had no idea existed within my body!!

5. Socializing -- this is the tough one. So much of our interaction with friends has focused around gourmet food and fine wines that this has been a challenge to overcome. I simply can not (nor do I want to) sit down at a table for hours on end plowing through course after course, each more decadent than the last. We went to our beloved WAFFLES dinner last week and I made the massive mistake of forgetting to bring my own dinner. While no doubt every course was delicious, none were "OK" for me -- each had too much fat and/or too many complex flavors and 3 had seafood that I haven't been able to stand the smell of yet. I don't enjoy any wine or alcohol smells/flavors and the fat literally makes me sick. I wound up with dessert as my meal -- a little fresh whipped cream (no additives) with fresh raspberry puree (no additives) and fresh raspberries in a whole wheat phyllo cup. Not exactly my typical protein first meal, but tasty and it stayed down at least. Note to self: remember to bring your own dinner next time!! It was great visiting with our friends, but I would have enjoyed it a lot more had we been playing a game or cards or had some other activity than just food and wine all night. Our hostess was great and I had pre-warned her that I am now a somewhat finicky eater and that I'd probably read a book part of the evening, and she graciously agreed it would be OK for me to do so, but I felt bad doing so nonetheless. I guess that's an issue I'll just have to get over if I am to keep on going. Either that or simply find others that like to play games too and keep trying other activities.

6. Miscellaneous -- I've moved my car seat forward three times now. It's so nice to be able to comfortably reach the pedals without having my tummy jammed into the steering wheel! A colleague "forced" me into riding with her in her cute new sexy two door vehicle, and although very low to the ground and as such a bit tough on my knees, I amazed myself by being able to use the seat belt without an extender and had plenty of slack to spare!! Compliments -- kind of fun! John gave me such a sweet one last weekend -- told me my skin looked better/healthier than it had in 20 years. Lots of people being really supportive -- it seems the physical difference has become most noticeable in the last month or so.

7. Those that know me won't be surprised that I think of this category last: exercise. I hate exercise. With every bit of my being. I hate to sweat and I hate to hurt. What possible redeeming quality could there be in doing something that almost always results in both? I'm fighting this with every bit of my psyche, kicking and screaming all the way. I do not want to exercise, even though intellectually I know I have to. I don't know that I'll ever conquer this one -- I need to just suck it up and do it, but I really really really don't want to. I miss Scott as a buddy in this space (and others too, but really need him here). We had great long walks debating life at the Lab distracting us from the reality of the walking we were doing. I went on a couple of nice walks at my current employer's place with another colleague last week and it was easier to bear with some distraction, so perhaps that's a strategy to capitalize on a bit. If I really have to... arghhhhh...

Moving on to life in general... John's layoff is still frustrating to bear, especially for him, but he's doing a great job organizing himself and getting out there in a new job search. He met up with some former Lab buddies and won a local contract bridge tournament last week -- go John! Sad that Coach Pete's left USC and hoping the new guy doesn't screw up too badly... We went to the Tech Museum a couple of weeks ago and visited the traveling Star Trek exhibit thanks to Santa -- very cool! I still can't get over how tiny those actors must have been after seeing their costumes. I figured out how to get lots of extra treasure chests in Facebook's Vampire Wars games so have been leveling up several times a day lately -- and you'll laugh at this: I won the "compulsive shopper's trophy" in the game yesterday for visiting Elder Jeremy 7 days in a row and buying (with vampire game money which they call blood of course!) his wares. John could have told you I earned a compulsive shopper's trophy in real life a long, long time ago! :) We shared a fabulous games/movie day/evening with some dear friends in January also -- I think we all had a great time. I still haven't put that great new lens to work yet, but the temptation is getting greater as the rain diminishes -- of course I write this as the skies are graying up again...

Enough ramblings for now... As always, I send you lots of light and love and wish you all the very best!!